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But it took the anonymity of the World Wide Web, and the risk taking that it permitted, to learn about the kind of sex portrayed in books and movies: sex with reckless abandon.

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I'm considerably heavier than I was six years ago and so when I ran up to my friend Eric for a hug and he picked me up with my heels in the air... I had forgotten that it was possible; I had accepted a life void of being lifted. Eric didn't suffer any injuries and walked away unscathed. For me, that's 26 years of self-hate indoctrination and brainwashing. Then get up, brush yourself off, give the media the finger, and move forward because you're a warrior. This eventually ends up in an interesting territory which Marianne from talks about here, but the point that I'm trying to make goes back to the "despite vs because of" argument. So I would have to settle for anyone that would take me. And then realise that we've grown up learning and internalising that we are not okay . Not only are there people who adore "thick" women, but a LOT of them who prefer it. In line with the above paragraph, I knew that there would be that would find me attractive but the pool would be small (because of my body) and potentially full of guys I didn't personally find sexy. Give me a minute to hang my head and shake it at myself. I know that hot is relative and all inclusive depending on who you chat with, but for these purposes, lets talk about the "universally attractive" kind of hot. The fact that "fat chicks bang 'hot' guys" was one of the most powerful realisations I've had thus far. He wore black-rimmed glasses and uniformly tight band T-shirts.

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